From the fashion files

I've never been one to pay too much attention to fashion. And the last year I've experienced an almost complete sartorial collapse as my functional wardrobe has been reduced to three pairs of elastic waist yoga pants, several colorful t-shirts, a fleece hoodie and some flip-flops. So really, I'm not terribly qualified to comment on the latest trends. But for those rare occasions when I venture out of the house for something other than a toddler music class or ultimate game, I do like to have a nice pair of jeans. Jeans with a little flair. Maybe a designer label. Something that makes me feel like I haven't completely capitulated to the forces of darkness otherwise known as "mom clothes." For it to all come together, I also have to believe that the jeans look good on me. In other words, they have have to pass the test. You know the one--the test, usually in the form of a simple question, that produces nagging anxiety in women and sweaty, full-bodied panic in any man who has ever given the wrong answer to his wife or girlfriend, sister or mother. That question is, "Does my butt look big in these?" And you always want "Of course not!" to be a plausible answer.

So I'm a little confused about the latest trend in fashion denim: Skinny Jeans. Apparently they're popular among strung out models and actresses with questionable eating habits, plus scrawny male rock stars going for the early 70s East Village junkie look. I haven't seen anyone around here wearing them (let's face it, Ottawa isn't a fashion-forward kind of town), so I'd only be vaguely aware of this trend if I hadn't tried a pair on recently. It was an accident. On the rack, the skinnies looked no different than normal jeans. In fact, I was a little confused when I tried to pull them up and found I could barely work the pants up to my knees (after a lifetime spent playing sports involving kicking and sprinting, my gams have an inconvenient attribute called "muscles," and the circumference of my calves is beyond that allowed by the new skinny cut). After much squirming and effort I somehow managed to get the jeans over my hips and did the requisite over-the-shoulder check. At which point I promptly burst out laughing. Man, did those pants ever make my butt look big. No question about it. I haven't seen a more catastrophically unflattering article of clothing on my body since, in a fit of apparent masochism, I tried on a low-rise hipster bikini at J. Crew.

According to the fashion hacks, however, my eyes deceive me. Skinny jeans look good on everybody! Yes--they make the short look tall! The flabby look fabby! That somehow, by some strange alchemy, wearing pants with severely tapered ankles and an unforgiving cut through the thighs will not AT ALL make your bottom half look like an inverted pear. Oh no--you go get some, girl! And on the off-chance a tapered ankle doesn't look totally fabulous on you, well, you can cram that overstuffed shishkebob you call a leg into some knee-high boots. Problem solved!

Seriously folks. This style makes Kate Moss look like she has hips (kind of). What do you think it does to the rest of us?

Amazing Race: Stuck in the muck

Dude, is it just me, or is the constant "dude" usage getting really old and annoying? One of the guys kept saying it on last night's episode. It made me feel like I was back in 2003. That little irritant aside, I think that was one of the best episodes's we've seen in awhile. After the initial bunch-up, the teams were given plenty of opportunity to succeed or fail on their own merits. None of the tasks gave a big advantage to the physically stronger teams. Both the detour tasks required patience and some element of skill. And they had to navigate crappy vehicles through very foreign territory (although, was anyone else surprised at how many English speakers they found in Outer Mongolia? Who knew?). And any time you get to see people getting dragged by horses and sinking a jeep in mud up to its wheel well, you know you're witnessing Good Television. The ending was anticlimactic, but that didn't detract from an otherwise strong show.

After two episodes, Peter has emerged as my designated Most Annoying Contestant and Creepiest Creep. The guy seems to have cobbled together a personality from "Successories" slogans. And he seems less like a boyfrend to Sarah than a nightmare high school sports coach or something. Ick. And double-ick for the way they're using her disability as some kind of cheap fundraising gag. Step right up and see the crippled lady run on her bionic ski pole! Sheesh. The Beauty Queens are looking surprisingly strong (misplacing that giant yak hat was just a bit of bad luck). Ditto Duke and Lauren. I still think the Junkie Models will win it all, but it's shaping up to be a very competitive and well-executed season.

Amazing Race: Junkie Models 1, Religious Diversity 0

I have a good feeling about the new season of The Amazing Race after watching the premier on Sunday. China! Challenging challenges! Woo-hoo! Besides the usual cast of stock characters ("The Attractive Bickering Couple," "The Attractive Male Models," "The Attractive Beauty Queens," "The Flaming Gay Guys," the producers dipped deep into the American melting pot and came up with some intriguing teams. Too bad the most provocative pick, the devout Muslims, got canned before they even reached the first pit stop. I can't imagine a team that had to stop racing five times a day to pray had much of a long-term future in the game, but it would have been interesting to have Bilal and Sa'eed stick around for a few more episodes. I mean, how often do you get to see devout Muslims a) on TV b) who are otherwise regular guys, b) competing in a silly reality show? That would be rarely, never and never. Same goes for Vipul and Arti, the Indo-American couple who were eliminated at the pit stop. So, diversity took a serious hit on the first leg, but at least the show tried.

But I think the most surprising casting choice was the Kentucky coal miner and his wife. Why? You just don't see people that unattractive on TV very often, unless the show is "COPS," and then their bad teeth and hair are all pixelated and stuff. Seriously--there are no ugly people on TV anymore. We live in an era where on TV, a "desperate housewife" is an aging, anorexic starlet with a face so heavily botoxed she can barely deliver her lines. So it's a shock to see a couple of people you'd find in line at Wal-Mart competing against the Miss Californias and Cheerleaders and Male Models that always show up on a reality show. That said, I think this Mary woman is the genuine article when it comes to desperate housewives. And she and David sure weren't shy about the bickering.

Beyond that, it's a blur. We've got our early round elimination fodder. The junkie models look good to win the whole thing, provided they don't fall off the wagon in some Thai opium den. They're young, athletic guys, and they're not stone stupid. (Ditto Erwin and Godwin, although they didn't impress in the smarts department.) That combination is usually good for a Top 3 finish on this show, if not the championship.

The winners of TAR Season 5, Chip and Kim, have a website with audio recaps of each episode. Chip was one of the show's most personable and amusing contestants, so his commentary is worth listening to. He thinks it's unfair for teams of young, athletic guys to compete against the co-ed and all-female teams. Check it out here: chipandkim.tv

Feeling gravity's pull

Yesterday we spent the afternoon at our home away from home, CHEO, after Henry took an unfortunate leap off the staircase and faceplanted on the radiator, leaving him with a bloody, swollen nose. Considering what happened, the damage he did to himself was quite minimal, an if it had been a weekday we probably would have just taken him to the doctor rather than the emergency room. But we wanted to be sure he was fine. Of course, since he obviously wasn't hurt badly, we ended up waiting for almost four hours to see a doctor. What a way to spend one of the few warm, sunny Saturdays we've had in the past few weeks. When it was all over, Henry said, "I had fun at the hospital." Great. There goes the effectiveness of our, "if you keep doing [whatever dangerous stunt he's pulling at the moment], you're going to hurt yourself and we'll have to go to the hospital" threat. We have so few weapons. . .

On a happier note, my parents arrived yesterday for a 10-day visit. We're about to head out to the Farmer's Market at Lansdowne Park. Fun times.

Toddler insomnia

Is there such a thing? I think Henry has it. Over the past couple of months it seems like Henry's pushed his bedtime back later and later into the evening, with no corresponding change in the time he wakes up (i.e., the crack of dawn). And he has nights where he shows no signs of being tired when it's our bedtime! Last night I came home from my fall league ultimate game around 10 p.m., and Henry was wide awake, hollering for us to come get him out of his crib. Even after I spent almost 15 minutes rubbing his back, he still wouldn't fall asleep. As soon as I left the room, he was standing up and crying the newish, forced toddler cry he turns on and off like a pro to express his dissatisfaction. Finally we gave up and let him sleep in our bed, which has been happening more and more over the past few weeks. It's quite a regression. Henry slept in our bed until he was about a year old, but after that he prefered his crib. We'd gotten used to having Henry in his own bed, asleep, by 7:30. It gave us a nice stretch of evening for working and relaxing. Now we're lucky to have him asleep by 9:30. It's putting a cramp in my freelancing schedule. Tough to know what to do. We can't just ignore him if he's throwing a tantrum in his crib because a couple weeks ago he climbed out of the thing and crashed to the ground. And trying to force the issue by putting him to bed when he's obviously not tired doesn't work. Hopefully the dark evenings of fall will nudge his Circadian rhythms back into harmony with our preferred schedule.

Also, the other day some kid at the park bit Henry while they were wrestling for control of his Muck toy. Henry was wearing a thick fleece hoodie, so the bite didn't break the skin, but it left a mark that's persisted for days. The kid's parent reacted appropriately, so there was no extra drama. I guess we'll just stay away from that kid from now on.

School days begin

After two sessions, I think it's safe to say that preschool is a hit. Henry loves all the toys and activities. He has a great time playing with his pal Jensen. He doesn't cry when he gets dropped off, and he doesn't want to leave when we pick him up. Today Tom asked him if he had fun, and Henry replied, "I love school!"

If only it didn't start at 8 am. . .