The grunt work of parenting

WARNING! This post contains a distressing amount of scatological content. Think twice about reading on if you're childless, squeamish, eating, or just not interested in the messiest, most frustrating challenge of early childhood. Yes, I'm talking about The Potty.

The $%@*%(@ Potty.

We've decided to fully commit to toilet training over the next few weeks. After some research, I decided the only way we're going to get Henry out of diapers for good is to just get him out of diapers. Yep--no more diaper during the day. We reached a point where Henry can use the potty, and sometimes does for #1, but progress has stalled. See, when it comes to personal hygiene, the kid is pretty much a pig. Wearing a diaper soaked in several pounds of his own stinking waste doesn't bother him at all. He never, ever asks to be changed. In fact, we often have to pin him down, screaming, to get a dirty diaper off of him. If it was up to him, he'd wear the same diaper until the thing collapsed around his ankles. I think he'd be happy to go from Pampers to pull-ups to Depends for the rest of his life, and never feel that his dignity had been injured in any way.

So, we've got a challenge on our hands. Appealing to his pride at being a "big boy" who stays dry and clean and gets to wear cool Thomas underwear instead of babyish diapers has yielded zilch in terms of performance. Hence the new carrot and stick approach.

The stick: No diapers, except at night.
The carrot: A new DVD (Disney's "Dinosaur") to watch as soon as he makes it through a day with no accidents. When he achieves this milestone, we will add new incentives until the routine has been established. What can I say--we've never been above offering bribes.

He's been shown the DVD in its packaging, and seems pretty jazzed to watch it. But in terms of performance, results have been mixed. He doesn't ask to go potty, but he will go if we remind him and put him on it. So, thanks to our vigilance, things haven't been too messy yet. But we have a ways to go. Yesterday looked promising, but after staying dry during a day of errands and activities, right before dinner he wet all over the floor--right after I'd asked him about 15 times if he needed to use the potty.

Today the DVD was of the table before noon. This is what we're up against: Henry and I were at the park down the street when I saw him make his unmistakable Poo Face. I sprung into action, raced him home, and got him onto the toilet before it was too late. I then spent about 25 minutes sitting on the bathroom floor, singing poo songs, talking about how great it would be if he made a poo on the toilet, and promising a cookie if he performed. It's a very gratifying way to spend a sunny day, let me tell you. I left the room for a time in case this was too much pressure. After about half an hour or so, we gave up and put his shorts back on and started getting lunch ready. When Tom and I weren't paying attention, Henry took a massive dump. In his shorts. Not five minutes after spending half an hour sitting on the toilet.

Sigh. Clumps of my hair, torn out in frustration, may soon be littering the floor, along with Henry's puddles.

Toilet training, or the lack thereof, is one of those things that people can be very judgmental about, as in, "what do you mean, your 3-year-old isn't toilet trained yet?!?". As in, "boy, aren't you a couple of incompetents!" All I can say in response is, "Be my guest." Spend some time trying to toilet train a stubborn, crafty, and completely unmotivated preschooler who does not care one bit about staying dry and clean. Figure out your own system of incentives and strategies, and get back to me with the results. And, have fun!